Half a year

It's been half a year since my last post. And what a crazy time that was. It was/is the time of Covid-19 and George Floyd. It's the time of home schooling and wearing masks. It's a scary time, but so full of opportunities.

And while life as we knew it came to a hold, nature just went on being amazing and blooming. Dolphins returned to harbours, deer came back to the cities and the air we breathe was as healthy as it hasn't been in centuries. It's pretty awesome how nature took back space and to see how small mankind is in comparison.

While all this happened, spring came and went and now summer is in full swing. We ended the school year and headed into summer break, although there are hardly planes jetting around the world to bring people to destinations, where they would go on and destroy this wonderful planet.

Covid-19 is shit, but at the same time it made clear, who the boss is around here. And it's not us.

That being said, we will enjoy summer break as much as possible.With BBQs and fresh strawberries. With the smell of sunscreen and a dip into the pool. With watching butterflies and enjoying sunshine.

Have a great summer!

Love, Sanna

Slow afternoon

All of a sudden, we do have a slow afternoon ahead and I love it so much. Nowhere to go, nothing to do (apart from the obligatory laundry).

These moments are rare with both parents working full-time and two kids with various hobbies, so I will soak in this day of time to spend however we want and the warm winter sunshine.

It makes me so unbelievably happy.

Have a great Monday!

I got no travel gene

I hate travelling. As in sitting around in airports waiting for flights. Or spending long hours on the train where someone is peeling their stinking hardboiled eggs. Or sitting in the car for hours. In heavy traffic in hot summer weather.

I hate travelling.

To make it worse, I get homesick easily. I just love being at home. Not at home literally, but in my part of the woods. I feel like I live in the most wonderful spot on earth and I hate leaving it for more than ten days. I once lived in Turkey for half a year when I was twenty. No idea how I survived that.

I just went to London with BigL for four days. It was great having exclusive time with my boy and show him around this extraordinary city. But I missed home. I missed the rest of my little family and my own bed.

So, you could say, that I don't own that travel gene. Before I'd travel Indonesia with a backpack, I'd rather have my tongue removed. Maybe I'll never see the whole world or anything outside Europe in my life, but I am okay with that. That's just how I roll.

So, with all that said, I am really looking forward to our summer getaway to the Dutch coast. Because the Netherlands are basically home. We have planned a two-week-trip, but as always I will ask DH to go home after ten days, because....well, you know why.

Until then, I am happy that everybody is back to school/work tomorrow and our schedule is back.

Have a great week! Love, Sanna

A touch of Christmas in the air

Do you love Christmas as much as I do?

I just can't get enough of all the twinkling lights and of how our home smells of pinewood and Christmas cookies. This time of year truly is magical.

Unfortunately, it is also the time of appointments, lots of Christmas parties and things to do and organize, especially when you are a mom.

Here is my special advice to really enjoy Christmas time.

1) Set priorities. Honestly. You can't do it all with the kids. I gave up the handmade advent calendar, for example. It's a lot of work. And money. So we buy calendars nowadays and the kids are happy and I have got one point less on my to do list.

2) It's okay to say no. Another Christmas party? And then another? If it's just too much, say no. It's okay and the world will keep on moving.

3) Skip swimming class/piano lessons/ soccer training. Whatever. I often feel like we are rushing through Christmas time and on top of all the kids' activities are celebrations, running errands and stuff. So we sometimes just skip some of the above, cuddle up with hot chocolate and read Christmas books. I am pretty sure your kid will learn to play the piano (or whatever) anyway.

4) Shop online. Okay, I know that buying local is a thing. I get it. I just don't have the time before Christmas. Most of our gifts come from Amazon. I am buying about twenty to twenty-five presents each year. And we have kind of all the family birthdays in December and January, so going to the city doesn't work for me. Shopping online saves SO MUCH time (and nerves). I always try to get it done before December, so the poor delivery guys don't have to work all that extra time before Christmas because of me.

5) Write lists. For everything. Try to keep stuff done step by step. And in advance.

6) Play Christmas music all the time and have lots of mulled wine.

Have a lovely Christmas time!

Just life.

Sometimes, I sit down to blog and I have no idea, what to write about. Because it's just life going on and I have no idea if anybody is interested to hear that I got the first Christmas decorations out.

Anyway, I keep on blogging, cause that's what I did for the last 13 (!!) years and I am still so sad, that all my entries were deleted, when I was at the hospital and didn't pay for my domain. And I have no idea, if I can ever get back my words and emotions put into every single post.

Looking back at my (few) posts during this year, I feel like it turned out to be very different than what I thought about on New Year's Eve. I had lots of plans and NONE of that turned into real life achievements.

I also went on new paths, that I didn't see coming my way and I am so happy to go them.

So, yeah. That's just life. Things happen for a reason and I made peace with these last 10,5 months of 2019.  Whatever happens, life goes on and sometimes the biggest obstacles can result into something great once you have left them behind. That's just how I feel about this year.

It's not over yet and there is still time to make some of the things happen, that I thought about back in December. It's never too late to get started and I have huge plans for the upcoming months.

So stay tuned and have a great weekend!

Love, Sanna

For a reason - World Mental Health Day

I am a big believer in things happening for a reason. So, I don't think it was a coincidence that my all-time favourite singer Milow scheduled the closest concert on World Mental Health Day.

Milow and me go back a long time. DH and me went to one of his first concerts ever in Germany and I fell in love. A year later, I got sick with PPD.  So sick that I thought of suicide and infanticide. Nowadays I know, that these were just a symptom of my sickness, back then I felt as desperate as never before.

Just imagine how I spent my days and nights at the psychiatric ICU, curled up in bed. Crying, wanting to die. Days were long, the nights even longer. I still remember the pain, the agony and desperation as if it was yesterday. And then, one day I picked up my iPod and listened to some music. I heard it, but it didn't reach my soul and heart. Until Milow came along.

In all my darkness and despair, I felt the stone around my heart to chip a bit. A tiny little bit. It was so small, I nearly missed it, but it was there. Depression hits especially hard in the mornings, so when I woke up, I started Milow's music. It helped me get out of bed. It helped me under the shower and start therapy. It saved my life.


Fast forward to October 10th 2019.

So last DH and me went to see Milow perform. As we did before. So often before. And as always, it was wonderful, touched my soul and made me super happy. And then in the middle of a song, tears started streaming down my face.

"Lean into me, with your back and your mind
Lean into me, when you're broken inside

Ooh, lay your worry down
Lay your worry down
Lay your worry down on me
Ooh, lay your worry down
Lay your worry down
Lay your worry down on me"

 

Yeah, so I did. and it saved my life. It made me whole again. And although Milow will never know, I am more than thankful for his music and lyrics. And I don't care a bit if people thought I was crazy bawling my eyes out in public. Did they stare? Maybe. Did I mind? Not a fucking bit.

I've come a long way and I am so proud of it. It was World Mental Health Day yesterday, so I will keep on telling my story. I will keep on raising awareness and break the stigma. I am enough.

And so are you. Have a fabulous weekend. Love, Sanna

Overwhelmed

Slowly, I realize what a career change really means. I am teaching and studying full time and within the next weeks are exams and other stuff ahead. At the same time, work at school was crazy this last week.

I have to admit, that I feel a bit overwhelmed. I feel like I am always behind with my schedule and tired all the time. I get up super early and don't get basic stuff done like vacuuming or cooking a proper dinner. Laundry is piling up, too.

I am afraid, I have to stop doing stuff 100% perfect. I have to ask for help and get my family more involved. I have to stop volunteering for stuff at work, and instead concentrate on exams. I really have to stomp on the break and make sure to breathe.

So, this coming week I wanna focus on myself. Get the important stuff done and leave the other things behind. I also have to treat my body much, much better. I can feel how the weight I packed has an influence on my body and soul, and it's not a good one.

So, here we go. Heading into the week with good thoughts and a positive mind.

Enjoy your Sunday night and have a great week!

Love, Sanna

Summer break

I cannot believe that 6,5 weeks just flew by and the new school year started today. Life has been a rollercoaster ride through summer break and I'll just give you the most important facts.

• Week one was super boring. The kids went to camp and I hung around home, napped a lot and was just overall bored.
• Week two was hot like hell and LittleL skipped camp for the pool and iceream.
• Week three was back to camp for the kids and lots of (emotional) work for me as we cared for granny and stayed beside her deathbed for about ten days.
• Week four, granny died.
• Week five we went on vacation to the sea, which was the best thing that could've happened for my body and soul.
• Week six we did school shopping, had ice cream and I returned to work.

And here we are. Heading into a new year of homework, friends and tests. I am heading into my first full school year at my new job/school, so it will be super exciting and hard work, too.

In other news, it was pitch dark, when I got up at 5.30am this morning. This means, the dark season is around the corner! I cannot wait for fall.

Have a great day! Love, Sanna

My favorite beachreads

Okay, you guys know me so good. It is summer, so I am reading summer books right now. Weird, I know, but just the way I am. Whenever a new season is approaching, I am searching high and low for the best reads fitting the season. Believe me, fall is hard. There are hardly any good fall books around. But summer is easy. Really easy. There are so many beachreads out there, but here are my favorites:

1) Kate Angell's Barefoot William Beach series, seven books so far. Man, these are great reads. I love Kate Angell's past pace of writing and she has a great sense of humour. Her heroes are sexy and smart and sometimes a pain in the a$$, her heroines are real life women. Some too chubby, some too insecure, some full of power and some super strong independent women. Every book is unique. Every character is. The lovely setting of beach, boardwalk and ferris wheel helps to really feel the summer vibes. Plus, I like that we get to know some more of former characters through the series. It's not like they vanish after their book is closed. Two thumbs up.

2) Jenny Colgan's Little Beach Street Bakery & Summer at Little Beach Street Bakery. I wrote about these books before. Click here.

3) Jenny Colgan's The Summer Seaside Kitchen & The Endless Beach. Okay, this is Jenny Colgan. To me, her books are a must read. But these are outstanding. Set on the small island of Mure, Scotland. A little island community where everybody knows everybody and secrets spread faster than the flu. Small communities also do not have too many eligible bachelors to offer, so love is hard to find. These books are telling stories of lovers, families and happily ever after. Well, not always happily ever after. Sometimes the story takes a spin and it's sad to see chances pass and fate strike. I laughed and cried and felt everything in between. These books sure are keepers.

So, what beachreads can you recommend? What was the best summer book you read? Let me know!

Happy reading! Love, Sanna

After the rain...

... comes sunshine. Always.

Life has been an emotional rollercoaster these last weeks and I took a break from blogging and did not use Instagram that much. Also, I neglected facebook.

I will not go into detail, but lots of things had to be taken care of with an amount of paperwork. We now have a lawyer. Nuff said.

Anyway, spring came and I can finally enjoy it as my soul comes to a rest. Things are changing when May is coming and I am really looking forward to it and at the same time, I am scared like hell. It feels like with spring and Easter, there is so much change going on, I could hardly handle it. Now, that I got used to the thought, I feel more calm and relaxed. Still nervous, but not overwhelmed.

Easter came and went with lots of sunshine and family visits. BigL thought that Easter egg hunt was for babies only, while LittleL found all the stuff within minutes. We had waffles and carrot cake and I might have sipped some Malibu Sprite in the warm spring sunshine.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that life is just like that. There are good and bad times. But after the rain comes sunshine. Always. And every night heads into a fresh morning, full of opportunities.

Have a great day. Love, Sanna

found at weheartit.com

What's in my fridge?

Most of you know that I am back to dieting and I often get asked, what the hell do I eat when on a diet? So I made a list of food that's always in my house to satisfy hunger or my sweet tooth. Here we go:

In the fridge:

• soy yoghurt
• regular Greek 0,2% fat yoghurt
• eggs
• chicken cold cut
• vegan cream 
• low fat milk
• cucumbers
• carrots
• Protein pudding or low sugar/fat pudding
• some kind of salad
• ball peppers
• pickles

In the freezer:

• frozen fruit (usually raspberry)
• salmon
• prawns

In the pantry:

• flour (regular and spelt)
• flavdrops (different tastes)
• wholewheat pasta
• rice
• sugar free cookies
• protein bars
• granola (good quality, not loaded with sugar!)
• potatoes
• baking supplies (vanilla, baking powder...)
• fresh lemon
• apples
• bananas
• grapes
• fruit of the season
• soy sauce
• vinegar (different kinds)
• coke zero
• olive oil and sunflower oil

So, I guess that's the essentials. Most of the fresh and dairy is delivered every Friday from the farm and organic. So, it doesn't really need much shopping for the week. I also try to find a good mixture of vegetarian dinners and dinners with any kind of meat during the week. There is no real secret to a successful weight loss. The key is to just start and not give up. At least for me. But, to be honest, the number on the scale today was shocking, so there is that. This usually happens when I do not drink enough. I try to drink 3 litres of water every day. When I drink less, usually my weight goes up. Fast. So, I will try to get my water fix over the weekend and check weight again on Monday.

Have a great weekend.

Love, Sanna

Ten days to go

Can you believe that spring is only ten days away? I am so looking forward to it. Honestly, there was a slight touch of snow coming down during class today and I really love snow, but it sucks big time in Mid-March. We had enough of it, you know. The dark and grey days. Enough of indoor jump parks and soft play (parents hell). Enough of board games and especially screen time.

We are all longing for sunshine and warmth and the long days spent outside. I really wanna sit on my swing and do nothing. And take a sip of Malibu Sprite from time to time. The ice cubes are ready in the freezer, btw.

So, until spring finally arrives, I will fill the house with tulips and daffodils. We will have some more tea and cookies and afternoons full of books. That's the plan.

Have a nice week, friends.

Love, Sanna

Damn.

I just wrote a very nice blogpost about what's going on and weekend plans and then it didn't publish and it was gone. So, I am leaving you here and now with some fresh spring flowers and wishing you a fab weekend.

Love, Sanna

Eleven weeks

You know what I really miss? That newborn bliss right after LittleL was born. He was the cutest little thing in the world and I was so madly in love with my newborn. In fact, I was madly in love with life with a little baby and a firstgrader. The cuddly and slow mornings with LittleL and then the vivid and exciting time in the afternoon, when BigL came home and proudly showed me what he learned at school. It was one of the happiest times of my life and for the first time ever, I felt like this was exactly where I belonged.

I wish, I could back to that time just for a few minutes. To soak it all in and try to remember every little detail of how wonderful life was. I wish I could go back and smell LittleL's baby hair for another time. Or to see BigL's front toothgap and that radiant smile.

I wish I could go back and do everything to stop depression hitting me hard. I wish I could stop it smacking from behind and taking the happiness and bliss away from all of us. It hit not only me, it also affected my kids and husband. My parents, in-laws and friends. It had such a huge impact in the lives of those I love the most and if I knew it was going to come, I would have been prepared.

I guess, that's just how it works. When life throws a curveball, you do everything ti get through. Most of us will make it out alive and it doesn't mean, it won't be all fine in the end. Life is pretty good these days, but I miss the times, when PPD was not part of my history yet. I don't think about it a lot anymore, but today when driving home from work, it crossed my mind and made me teary eyed. I missed this happy newborn momma. I missed myself. And it sucks to have lost 1,5 years of my life. Big time.

But hey, I am here now. I get all the cuddles and kisses and LittleL is desperately waiting for that toothless smile. So, here's to life. The ups and downs. Make sure, you live it to the fullest.

Love, Sanna

Enough.

Learning is a lifelong process. It starts with rolling over, walking, talking and goes to reading, maths, astrophysics if you're into it.

Stuff I learned the last five years was knitting, making a mean eggnogg cake and maxing out Amazon Prime. Still, I learn every day. Sometimes by accident, sometimes because something really interests me. And sometimes, because I think it is just neccessary.

So, about a week ago, I decided to learn contentment. In various forms.

First of all, I wanna learn to be happy with what I have. I do not need more jeans or jumpers, more earrings, more handbags. I do not need a new car, a big house or a holiday in the Carribean. Do I want all these things? Hell, yes. Do I need them to feel content? Absolutely not. We have a home full of ... stuff. We do not need more to be happy.

I wanna learn to be content with myself. With how good of a mom, wife, friend, teacher...I am. I need to learn to be enough. That's the biggest thing for me, honestly. I know I am good the way I am, still I don't feel like this from time to time. I feel like I could be a better mom or clean my house more often or have better control about spending money. Yes, maybe I could. But it wouldn't make me a better or more loveable person. And, it would definately not make me more happy.

I. AM. ENOUGH.

I have to tell me every day. Again and again and again. To believe it. To naturally feel it.

I might not be a size zero supermodel or a perfect housewife. I might not have a superclean home or very stylish Instagram worthy kitchen. I might not be strict enough concerning screen time and limiting the amount of chocolate my kids eat (especially during Christmas), but still... I am enough.

And so are you!

Have a wonderful Christmas time with family and friends and make sure to tell yourself from time to time that you are an absolute rockstar. Just because you are!

Love, Sanna

Slow down

Last week was full of appointments and stuff and I really felt like we had to slow down before Christmas madness starts. So, we used the weekend for a few errands, bought the tree and apart from that did basically nothing.

Saturday morning, we piled up in the car to do stuff that has to be done. Buy water and juice (still on crutches, so I can only do it with DH driving and carrying), buy the perfect Christmas tree, do some random shopping. In the late afternoon we celebrated BigL's birthday with his friends at the jump park, which was fun for the kids. Not so much for me. It is super boring at the jump park, when you are the only one on crutches.

Sunday started slow with sleeping in and breakfast at 11am. We listened to Christmas music, decorated the tree, had a nice afternoon nap and met at the in-laws for winter bbq. Just perfect.

This week, we do not have any appointments or places to be. None. Apart from the weekly stuff like track and field training and swimming class. It means we can build a gingerbread house, craft, watch Christmas movies and just be hygge. I love this time of year, when the lights sparkle and candles are lit. Our home smells so good like orange and cookies and punsch. And everything is just a bit brighter and cozy.

Make sure to slow down in these days of hurry and thousands of things to organize. It helps a lot to feel the season, to be merry and focus on what Christmas is all about.

Love and hugs, Sanna

About motherhood. And comparison.

Hey moms out there! Yes, you!

How do you feel about mothering? Do you feel full of self-confidence concerning your abilities to raise tiny humans or do you doubt from time to time?

Me, I am of the second category. Sometimes I compare my mothering abilities to other moms and feel like a big fat failure. I wonder how other moms handle tantrums, teenagers and the fight about screen time and treats.

And then I wonder, if I am doing it right. Do my kids get too much screen time? Do we learn enough for school and exams? Should I do more of this or that and do my kids know how much we love them? Do we tell and show them enough?

I really think it is good and healthy to reflect and sometimes look around for inspiration or just to talk about how others handle stuff. The problem is, it often is more than that to me. It makes me feel insecure and less valueable as a mother. Why is that?

I think, this is something that occured post PPD. I had to re-learn how to mother, every little thing was new to me although I already had a seven-year-old. So what PPD left me with was doubt into my own abilities. Big time. It's getting better, but from time to time it gets me. And then I feel sad and I wanna sob a little and after that life goes on and I try to give my best. Every day.

Please feel free to give some input. I know ther are so many moms out there reading my blog. Am I the only one with these weird feelings? Do you compare yourself as a mother or your kids with others? Or not? Help me out here.

Love, Sanna

Long time no see

Wow, over a month since my last post. How could that've happened? Simple answer: Life happened.

Sometimes, I am just busy. Other times, stuff happens that I cannot control, so it forces me to be abscent for some time. This month so far was an up and down journey healthwise for me.

First of all, I got the news, that my fracture is not healing properly. So I am on crutches now and I really, really hope this works. Then, I had another issue coming up and had surgery on Friday. The days before that I was running a fever and feeling just like shit. As I am writing this, I am healing fine and doing good. Apart from my leg, but that just takes time and patience.

So, here I am. It's mid-November and I got Christmas on my mind. First orders of gifts are on their way (or already in my wardrobe) and I started making lists today. Gift lists, lists of people who will receive cards, lists of what to cook when and what to buy. Plus, my calendar is filling with Christmas celebrations and other stuff. I am really looking forward to the season as I love the lights and the festivity that comes with it.

Found at weheartit.com

I can hardly wait to bring out the decorations and start playing Christmas music. I'd really love to do so right now, but nope. Not before the end of November. I also have plans to sew stockings for the four of us, but cannot find my Christmas sewing book. I will have to take another look for it.

What about you? Are you already in the mood for Christmas?

Love, Sanna

Today, I failed.

Today, I failed as a mother. Big time. I yelled. A lot. I was unfair. Again, a lot. There were a lot of different reasons why this happened and still I feel like a big fat failure. Which I was. Today.

The day started with LittleL throwing a tantrum, because he didn't want to have breakfast (I am not hungry, mummy.), but then when breakfast was over, he wanted to have breakfast. Then, on my way to work, my brandnew jeans ripped. And showed my old pink and green underwear. Unfortunately, time was too tight to go back and change pants, so I was the teacher with ripped jeans before school even started, awesome. After lessons, I went to go to the office to get the papers done for my September salary. Nobody's in the office today, don't ask me why. I am off on Fridays and next week the whole office doesn't work because it is moving to a new computer system. So salary won't come before October, 8th. Again, awesome.

Because of all this, I had to pick up LittleL from school on my way home from work. I usually park the car at home and walk the ten minutes to school. Today, I didn't have the time, so I went to school by car. It was chaos. Lots of moms with cars, no parking space. I was late. When we came home BigL complained about lunch being delayed. And then he didn't like lunch. And then he liked it, but in the meantime LittleL and I had eaten it all.

Then we did homework. LittleL thought homework was super boring and he didn't want to do it. It took forever (he usually is done in ten minutes). Then my MIL came over as she does every Thursday. And she usually is a big help, but today I just felt like suggling up on the sofa. The kids fought over every single shit. BigL has a potty mouth and then told me that last year on Christmas all his gifts were "rubbish". I freaked out big time. (He got a MacBook for Christmas) Meanwhile, LittleL asked for screen time for the 100th time. And for a treat, again for the 100th time. BigL watched drum learning lessons on YouTube on our TV (very loud), LittleL asked me strange questions about Star Wars, which I never watched. I told him so, he kept on asking. On top of all this, we had to learn for BigL's math and English tests.

I did not have a minute for myself today, which never is  a good thing. I need some time to recharge my batteries, at least thirty minutes a day. To take a power nap, read some pages, whatever I feel like. Some minutes of SILENCE, for God's sake! It keeps me sane in all our chaos of school, work and just everyday life.

Today I missed it and it paid. Yes, the kids did not show their best behaviour. Yes, they were testing and impolite. Still, they do no deserve yelling and telling them to "Just shut up!". It is not fair and I know it. But these days happen. For all of us. It's no fun, it's far away from Instagram perfectness, but it's reality.

All I can do now is kiss my children goodnight. And try to make it better tomorrow. This I will do.

Good night, peeps!

Love, Sanna

25 reasons...

...why fall is just the best!

1. Crunchy leaves

2. All the colours

3. Jeans and boots

4. Fresh apples from the tree

5. Candles and books

6. Pumpkin spice latte

7. Pumpkin spice everything. Period.

8. Carving pumpkins

9. Family movie nights

10. Blankets and coffee

11. The smell of cinnamon

12. Sunday afternoon naps

13. Hot soups on rainy days

14. Ankle boots

15. Loads and loads of books

16. October

17. Going to th pumpkin patch

18. Hot tea

19. Baking treats and pies

20. Halloween

21. Hot apple cider

22. Crafting and sewing

23. Fall decorations

24. Pumpkin pie

25. All of the above.

Love, Sanna