A touch of Christmas in the air

Do you love Christmas as much as I do?

I just can't get enough of all the twinkling lights and of how our home smells of pinewood and Christmas cookies. This time of year truly is magical.

Unfortunately, it is also the time of appointments, lots of Christmas parties and things to do and organize, especially when you are a mom.

Here is my special advice to really enjoy Christmas time.

1) Set priorities. Honestly. You can't do it all with the kids. I gave up the handmade advent calendar, for example. It's a lot of work. And money. So we buy calendars nowadays and the kids are happy and I have got one point less on my to do list.

2) It's okay to say no. Another Christmas party? And then another? If it's just too much, say no. It's okay and the world will keep on moving.

3) Skip swimming class/piano lessons/ soccer training. Whatever. I often feel like we are rushing through Christmas time and on top of all the kids' activities are celebrations, running errands and stuff. So we sometimes just skip some of the above, cuddle up with hot chocolate and read Christmas books. I am pretty sure your kid will learn to play the piano (or whatever) anyway.

4) Shop online. Okay, I know that buying local is a thing. I get it. I just don't have the time before Christmas. Most of our gifts come from Amazon. I am buying about twenty to twenty-five presents each year. And we have kind of all the family birthdays in December and January, so going to the city doesn't work for me. Shopping online saves SO MUCH time (and nerves). I always try to get it done before December, so the poor delivery guys don't have to work all that extra time before Christmas because of me.

5) Write lists. For everything. Try to keep stuff done step by step. And in advance.

6) Play Christmas music all the time and have lots of mulled wine.

Have a lovely Christmas time!

Just life.

Sometimes, I sit down to blog and I have no idea, what to write about. Because it's just life going on and I have no idea if anybody is interested to hear that I got the first Christmas decorations out.

Anyway, I keep on blogging, cause that's what I did for the last 13 (!!) years and I am still so sad, that all my entries were deleted, when I was at the hospital and didn't pay for my domain. And I have no idea, if I can ever get back my words and emotions put into every single post.

Looking back at my (few) posts during this year, I feel like it turned out to be very different than what I thought about on New Year's Eve. I had lots of plans and NONE of that turned into real life achievements.

I also went on new paths, that I didn't see coming my way and I am so happy to go them.

So, yeah. That's just life. Things happen for a reason and I made peace with these last 10,5 months of 2019.  Whatever happens, life goes on and sometimes the biggest obstacles can result into something great once you have left them behind. That's just how I feel about this year.

It's not over yet and there is still time to make some of the things happen, that I thought about back in December. It's never too late to get started and I have huge plans for the upcoming months.

So stay tuned and have a great weekend!

Love, Sanna

Overwhelmed

Slowly, I realize what a career change really means. I am teaching and studying full time and within the next weeks are exams and other stuff ahead. At the same time, work at school was crazy this last week.

I have to admit, that I feel a bit overwhelmed. I feel like I am always behind with my schedule and tired all the time. I get up super early and don't get basic stuff done like vacuuming or cooking a proper dinner. Laundry is piling up, too.

I am afraid, I have to stop doing stuff 100% perfect. I have to ask for help and get my family more involved. I have to stop volunteering for stuff at work, and instead concentrate on exams. I really have to stomp on the break and make sure to breathe.

So, this coming week I wanna focus on myself. Get the important stuff done and leave the other things behind. I also have to treat my body much, much better. I can feel how the weight I packed has an influence on my body and soul, and it's not a good one.

So, here we go. Heading into the week with good thoughts and a positive mind.

Enjoy your Sunday night and have a great week!

Love, Sanna

After the rain...

... comes sunshine. Always.

Life has been an emotional rollercoaster these last weeks and I took a break from blogging and did not use Instagram that much. Also, I neglected facebook.

I will not go into detail, but lots of things had to be taken care of with an amount of paperwork. We now have a lawyer. Nuff said.

Anyway, spring came and I can finally enjoy it as my soul comes to a rest. Things are changing when May is coming and I am really looking forward to it and at the same time, I am scared like hell. It feels like with spring and Easter, there is so much change going on, I could hardly handle it. Now, that I got used to the thought, I feel more calm and relaxed. Still nervous, but not overwhelmed.

Easter came and went with lots of sunshine and family visits. BigL thought that Easter egg hunt was for babies only, while LittleL found all the stuff within minutes. We had waffles and carrot cake and I might have sipped some Malibu Sprite in the warm spring sunshine.

Sometimes, I have to remind myself that life is just like that. There are good and bad times. But after the rain comes sunshine. Always. And every night heads into a fresh morning, full of opportunities.

Have a great day. Love, Sanna

found at weheartit.com

Letter to summer

Dear summer,

thank you so much! For being a real summer this year. For sunshine from May to August. For the warmth (and heat) and the richness of fruit and butterflies. Thank you for being wonderful during summer camp and for lots of BBQs outside. Thank you for many visits to the pool, for water slides and not using the tumble dryer for weeks. Thank you for lots of ice cream and cocktails on ice. Thank you for finishing of bottles of sunscreen and Aloe Vera. Thank you for waterbomb battles and running around without shirt (the kids!). Thank you for heating up the sea, so we could take a dip and play around the waves (we didn't do this for years!)

You were truly amazing. You lifted us up and we had lots of fun with doing all kinds of outdoor activities and hours on the sunbed.

I can hardly remember a year I felt so good to see you go. Just because I feel like we had enough sunshine to carry us around the fall and winter. But now I am looking forward to hoodies and boots and pumpkin spice everything. I am looking forward to crunchy leaves and days in the woods. I am ready.

And I cannot wait to see you again next year. 

All my love, Sanna

Summer Break Week 1

And here we are. Summer break is in full swing. BigL is gone for summer camp every day between 9am and 4pm. LittleL is still going to kindergarten this and next week. Today is actually the first day I am home alone and guess what...

... I am bored.

I did two loads of laundry, I cleaned the bathroom and mopped the floors, I shopped school supplies and caught up with Grey's Anatomy Season 11. (Derek is DEAD??) I did some doodling in my bullet journal and out of sheer frustration did the online banking (which I hate).

And now, here I am. What to do?

Blog? Okay, done in ten minutes.
Clean out the kitchen cabinets? No!
Sew myself a summer dress? Might work, but there is not enough time today left.
Clean mirrors and windows? No way.
Clean car inside and out? Again, no.
Meet a friend for coffee? Which friend? They are all working!
Online shopping? Uhm, let me check the bank account ... no.
Chat with the neighbour? I already did that. She is gone now for housework.

Pick up LittleL and have some icecream? Probably!

Have a great day, everybody! Love, Sanna

Let's talk.

It is no fun to check celebrity news these days. Kate Spade was bad enough, but Anthony Bourdain kind of really shocked me. Never in a million years would I've thought that he was struggling from some kind of mental health issues.

Which proves, that mental illness is something you can hide pretty good. It is not about the looks, it is about the inner demons. And that makes it so hard to really grasp what depression, anxiety or PTSD is really about when you are not affected yourself. Mentally healthy people will never understand the agony we are/were going through. And that is a great thing, because I really do not want anybody to experiene what I did.

At the same time, it is what facilitates the stigma. I was lucky to suffer from a postpartum disorder, because it is not as stigmatized. Everybody heard of the baby blues, right. (Although I was dealing with something very different). It is the stigma, that makes people suffer in silence. It is the stigma, that makes sick people even more sick. Mental illness is bad enough, but suicide?? That's a taboo with limitless dimensions.

Suicide. There. I said it. It was something I thought about for 1,5 years. Every single day. On some days, it was all I thought about from dawn til dusk. My mental pain was so overwhelming, that it seemed the only way out. Did I think about my family? Hell, yes, I did. I was convinced they were better without me around. I was a burden. I couldn't lace my kid's shoes, so what was I worth? I wasn't able to take care of the simplest of things, like shopping for groceries, nappy changes or night time duty. I was hardly able to dress myself, so what kind of mother was I? A bad one. Worthless.

NO! I was a sick mother. That's about it. I was so, so sick that it affected my every fibre of being. At first, people were fine with it. Everybody thought that it will go away with a hospital stay. But after 1,5 years and endless hospital stays later, people lost patience. (So did I.) All I had to do was pull myself together (pissing my pants laughing here). Work more on getting healthy (Again, laughing uncontrollably). Be happy, because I had that cute baby (hahahahaha).

That's not how it works, folks. Mental healing takes time. Weeks, months, even years. Stop telling people to pull themselves together. Stop treating mentally ill like they are some kind of freaks. Stop telling them suicide is selfish, because it is far away from that.

Reach out to someone who is suffering. Listen. Again and again and again. Yes, even for years. Support them and help with  everyday chores, insurance issues and keeping life organized. Don't push them to do things they are not comfortable with. Life will be fine again. It will. I promise.

Love, Sanna

Summer in April

I have been awfully quiet this last month and I have no real reason why that happened. Also, I never know how to spell quiet/quite?! I could google it, but where is the fun in that?

Life has been great around here, and I wanna give you a short update on what happened.

As the weather was just wonderful (summer in April), we did some serious spring cleaning in the backyard and enjoyed the first BBQs and nights on the porch. As it is still April, it got chilly pretty early, but we just changed into jeans and jumpers and had another drink. It is so good to see all the neighbours after this long and cold winter and to catch up and chat over the fence (although we don't have a fence). I also planted the first flowers and they are blooming in vivid colours and look just lovely.

The kids are running wild and free and staying up a bit longer on the weekends to play soccer in the backyard with their friends or jump on the trampoline like there's no tomorrow.

We have a bigger project planned for the garden as we need a new garden house and DH is building me some plant table and the big BBQ has to be removed. It will take some weeks and I feel like it's a big deal we cannot handle, but DH is super cool and a hard worker, so I am sure it will turn out great. My job will be the catering of the workers, which I am pretty good at so there is that.

In addition to that, we are getting a new roof on the house with work starting on Wednesday. The carpenter already told us, it will be VERY loud. I guess, that means no naps for me in the near future. We'll see how that goes and how grumpy I will be after some days. (Pretty grumpy, I guess.)

Apart from all that DIY and bigger building projects, we are happy and fine. My knee still hurts, which I hurt at ballett some weeks ago, but the doc told me to keep on dancing and that's what I will do.

I will keep you updated on all that's going on. Have a great week! Love, Sanna

And so can you!

My life these past five years have been the most challenging and hurting years of my life. And then they turned out to lead to the most beautiful and bright years of my life. I gave birth to my wonderful baby boy, only to get caught in the depth of post-partum depression. I breathed, ate and lived depression. Every single minute of the freaking long day. It never let me live freely and enjoy the simple things. It made me feel raw and ripped my heart and soul out of my body. It was by far the worst thing I have ever experienced. I lived this life for about 1,5 years, before a nurse (and I will be forever grateful for that!) told me to get my head out of my ass and work on myself and on getting better. Her words were painful and so very true. It sounds easy, but it really is not. You cannot just decide to get better and then magic happens. You cannot influence mental illness by pure willpower. But you can change your attitude. What really changed for me was the way I looked at that illness. I decided to fight back with all that I have. I wanted to show doctors and nurses, who had given up on me, that I can do it. And then recovery started. I will be honest, my way back to life was hard and it took everything I had. Tears, sweat and lots of cursing. It took years, to be honest. But it was so worth it.

When I finally felt like my former self mentally, I realized that my body had suffered serious damage. I ate a lot during depression, which is common (as also is non-eating). I was on three different meds, which make your weight go through the roof. I spend years on the couch, sleeping, crying, existing. I had no energy to care for my body as I was too focused on mental health. It dawned to me that I had to start taking better care of my body about  year ago. The first step to a healthier way of life was subscribing with Weight Watchers. Once I had decided to change, it worked. Some months and lots of lbs. later, I went to my first sports class after giving birth, depression and everything after that. I nearly died (nah, not really!). This class didn't work for me, so I tried something different a few weeks later. A friend told me how much she loved her adult ballett class and I gave it a try. It felt great to be back on the dance floor and it really was what I needed. I am still going to ballett class. After about ten months of WW, I felt like I needed a new input and changed the weight loss program. WW works great, but I always ate the same stuff. Zero Points food. Chicken, salad, fruit. Nah, I needed a different point of view. And I feel like the new programme I am using really helps to make better choices concerning food. I am eating stuff, I never touched before. I am having smoothie bowls for breakfast, for God's sake!

So, here I am. Mentally healthy. 55lbs lighter. Happier than ever before.

People keep on telling me how inspiring all this is, which makes me a bit embarassed. All I did was to find a way for me to live a happy and satisfying life. And that only happens when you are one thing: HEALTHY!

Without health, life is worth shit. So take a moment to thank your body and soul. Remember how far your feet did carry you today and how much of work your hands did. Did you take a second today to feed your body with good food? Some vitamins and enough water? Did you rest and do something special to feed your soul? Read a book, listen to music, take a nap? Did you make sure to make your muscles work and stretch?

It is so easy to focus on the good. Very often I do not ask my kids how their day was. Instead I ask

What was the best thing, that happened to you today?

I think it's a lot more healthy to look at life that way. And yes, I still have along way to go. Today I ate fast food. It was a challenging day with a sick kid and sick husband and errands to run and work to do. Still, I take a second to massage my hands with hand oil as they are really broken from the cold. Although I was in a hurry, I took the time to prepare a salad for lunch and sit down to eat with my family. And as today was packed with duties, I will finish writing this and then go to bed early, because my body needs rest. 

Be good to yourself. It really is simple as that. You are worth it.

Love, Sanna

It's a privilege

My Facebook feed is full of people discussing gun laws. I can only shake my head in disbelief. About the hate on both sides. About the fact, that it has to be discussed at all.

For my German self, it is totally crazy to cling to weapons when there are children killed like what? Every week?? I cannot believe how often school shootings take place in the US (and the US only!) and how people are not willing to change a single thing. To me, it is simple. No weapons. No shootings. Right?

And then I am just happy that we live in a country, in which my children can got to school to learn and not to be shot. I am so grateful for a country, where we can live in peace. We do have a warm place to sleep, food and education. We do have a strong economy. A good social network and good health services. We have good schools and universities and great childcare.

We have the opportunity to raise our kids without violence and guns. Without war. It really is a privilege and we should be grateful for that every day. I am. Now go hug your kids.

Love, Sanna

About mothers

About twelve years ago, I became a mother and it changed me forever. I had no idea about how deep love can be and how unconditional it is. I was not prepared for the worries and the anxiety to do it right and I was by no means prepared for the hen fight between mothers.

Honestly, ladies? Why do we have to compete who is doing it right (what does that mean anyway??)? Why do we have to tell each other how to handle this or that situation and why isn't every way of mothering just as good as it is?

I am not talking abuse here, just to get that right. I am talking about different ways of mothering/parenting and how they all have the right to just be. At work, I meet mothers from all over the world and we do not only talk grammar, we also discuss different cultures and also talk about private things. I see big differences in raising children.

In some cultures, children are brought up by a whole community. Mothers, grandmothers, neighbours, aunts and cousins. In others, they are taught certain standards from the very beginning, such as religion (No, not only muslim. I do have a mormon mum in my class as well. And a Hindu.). In some cultures children are being taken care of at daycares from a very young age, in other cultures they do not even get a basic education. Some kids are taught to hunt and fight, just because it is what is necessary for daily life. Others are tought to swim at the age of three, because they help fishing from an early age. Others can't swim at all. I am super proud that Little L can ride a bike, which is considered standard achievement over here. Some kids will never own a bike their whole life.

But one thing, all kids have in common. They are loved to pieces by their moms. All we want is for our children to be happy and - most importantly - save. That's why some mothers I know packed up all their life in a bag and travelled months (sometimes years) to bring their kids to a peaceful place. That's why I pick up BigL from town when it's dark early around this time of year. That's why we put our loved little ones in life vests when we go to the pool in summer and why we use sunscreen.

Because we LOVE our children. It's what we all have in common and as long as our children are safe and happy, we are doing everything right. YOU are doing it right. Good job, momma!

Love and hugs, Sanna

So, I actually turned the big FOUR ZERO on Sunday and...nothing happened. ;o)

I still feel like mid-twenty (bahahaha) and my kids still think I am super old. The party was awesome. Not.

I woke up, because Big L had caught a stomach bug and was throwing up. So we cancelled the whole party thing and spent the day on the couch watching movies. Mom and dad showed up nevertheless and we had pink cake and coffee. I had planned a night out with my favorite girls, which was great as it was an opportunity to finally celebrate my special day. We had bubbly and ate great food and had a good chat. It was lovely.

And then life went on. Laundry has to be done, meals have to be cooked and the Bachelor still is on the telly on Wednesday nights.

Speaking of which, I really have to get going, because I have to catch up with the night of roses. Oh, and the best thing about watching the Bachelor is reading the Twitter live tweets. It's hilarious.

Love, Sanna

Four Zero

I am freaking out a bit. I am turning 40 this week. Incredible Four Zero. Fuck. Or...make that a double fuck. Fuck, fuck.

Never before did I worry about my age. But the Four really bugs me. I don't want that, ya know. I wanna be thirty (not twenty!) for the rest of my life. I wanna look and feel young and I really hate all that grey hair I regularly pull from my skull. Forty sounds so grown up. Like you should have control over the stuff your adult life consists of. Like taxes or insurances. Building a house and planting a tree. I have done neither of that. Well, we obviously do taxes and insurances, but I pretty much suck at organizing the papers. That's the ugly truth.

I am (nearly) forty and I love the colour pink and all things glitter. I enjoy YA romance and wear pink Converse. I still listen to YA audio books when driving to work and I think that Lego Friends play sets are so freaking cool.

Is this how forty is supposed to be? I feel like I am not grown up at all. Although I sometimes sound like my mom when arguing with my kids. ;o)

Please tell me that my best time is yet to come. I need some heads up here to not completely loose my shit these next days. BUT to make it a bit fun, I am planning my own very pink birthday party. Pink cupcakes, glitter balloons and all. Yeah, I am so grown up.

The idiot in me

Oh man, the weather is just awful. It's grey and very cold and snowing/raining all day. Every step outside is one too many.

Did you know this last Monday was Blue Monday? It is said to be the most depressing day of the year. I totally understand that.

These last days I am feeling a bit off. Not depressed, no. I just have to fight a steady feeling of discontent, although everything is just fine. I feel unhappy about the most stupid things and I really have to work on pushing these feelings away. I feel too fat, too boring, too old. I feel like being not enough. For my children, my husband, my pupils. I feel way too average.

Why? I have no idea. It might be the darkness outside, it might be the fact that I am turning 40 in less than two weeks. It might be PMS. It might be nothing of that at all.

Sometimes, it's just what happens. I don't like it, but this will pass. I try to give it not too much thought (Who am I kidding??), and this works just fine on some days and some other days it won't work at all.

What bothers me the most is the fact, that I should be so grateful for what I've got. Just five years ago I would've given everything for just being healthy. I would have loved to be just normal and average and cuddling up on the couch on a snowy January night. I should be so, so grateful.

But then it occured to me, that these feelings come from a very good place. They come from my comfort zone, whispering little lies into my ears and make me feel less than what I really am. I am a fucking PPD survivor. I am a mother, who had to fight for the love towards her baby and I am a freaking one man show running a job, household and juggling a thousand appointments a week. Yes, I am a normal mom. I am an average woman. And yes, I am a boring German eating Kraut and Bratwurst. But I am me. I am good the way I am and I am blessed with two wonderful kids, a caring husband and health.

I am one lucky woman.

Love, Sanna

Happy New Year!

Hey, happy new year, everybody! We haven't seen each other for quite some time, huh? Or to be more precise...I haven't blogged for a while. Sometimes, I just don't know what to write about and other times, I am too busy with life to post. Both of this has been true lately.

Christmas was wonderful and the kids were happy and excited and life was just incredibly good. We spent New Year's Eve with friends and that was sparkling and great as well.

Then came the first week of January and all through the year, it is the hardest week for me. Christmas decorations are stored in boxes until next season, the sparkle and fireworks of New Year's are gone. The weather was grey and cold and rainy and we had too much time on our hands. Little L was back to daycare, DH was back to work. This left me home with Big L, who was meeting friends and playing too much PS. I was bored. The winter blues kicked in. No, not depression. I was just sick of hanging around on the couch and shuffle around home in my slippers. The days were long and I really lacked energy to do the simple things, such as laundry and running errands. I slept way too much and out of boredom went for a stroll through the supermarkets. Awesome.

So, I was more than happy to return to work today. Actually, I LOVED returning to work today. I was so excited, I had problems to sleep throught the night (and that never happens). So this morning I jumped out of the bed and into the shower at 6.15 am and was happy and glowing. I was singing along the Kinky Boots soundtrack on my way to work (The sex is in the heel!) and was greeted with enthusiasm by colleagues and pupils, who felt the same.

So, we are beack to our daily routine. Something, I really really need to cope. Whenever I am out of routine it is a bit like drifting in open water. I am a very structured person and I need structure in my life. That's just the way I am and I know, that I am not alone.

So, I really hope this boost of energy will stay for a bit and make me blog more often. Because I love blogging and catching up with you and spring is just around the corner, right? Right.

Love, Sanna

Fall break

It's fall break! Woohoo! As I am a teacher, it means I get two weeks off and have some time for family, friends and myself. We headed to the Dutch coast for some days and enjoyed the beach, cold sunshine and coffee in the beach café. Big L didn't go with us as he was experiencing the joys of his first vacation without us. He came back on Friday more than tired, but happy. He went to bed early and after fourteen hours of good old sleep, he was back to his happy self.

Yesterday, we went to the pumpkin patch and the kids carved pumpkins and afterwards we went to my cousins place for coffee and cookies. It was such a great and relaxing day and I feel like my batteries are full again. And then today I got an unplanned day for myself and I curled up on the couch, read my first Christmas novel and went to town. Which was crazy as we have two holidays tomorrow and on Wednesday.

Tomorrow we are having family over to celebrate Halloween and I got a it over the top with decorations and the candy table. My children will suffer from sugar shock tomorrow night. I will post about party over the next days, I think.

So, from my family to yours, have a great Halloween and don't eat all your kids' candy.

Love, Sanna

Such a girl

When I was a kid, my mom was more the convenient type of mom, which means I was a girl with short hair, because it was easy to handle. I wore brown and red and blue, because it was easy to keep clean. I was a tomboy. not by heart, but by looks.
Then, in my teens, I let my hair grow. And in my early twenties, when I moved out and started living my own life, I really found the girl in me.

It was like discovering a whole new world. Pink clothes, lots of it. Long hair and all kinds of different hair does. Skirts and high heels. Make up! Nailpolish!! Oh, how I love it!

Today, I am living with three boys and I couldn't be more girly. I love to be surrounded by beautiful things. Here is what I love most.

• Books. As in books about baking, cooking, decorations. I love the Farm chicks books and Martha Stewart and everything similar to that.
• Decoration. I have lots of decoration matching the seasons. I have a big box of decorations for NYE in silver and gold and glitter. I cannot wait to bring them up from the basement. And don't let me even get started on Christmas decorations. ;o)
• Crafting. I am really happy that Little L still likes to craft with me. Therefore I own A LOT OF craft supplies. Way too much to use during this lifetime, but hey, whenever there is a crisis concerning arts supplies, I can offer worldwide support.
• Nailpolish. I own hundreds of bottles of nailpolish and I would wear the right color matching my outfit. Always.
• Paper napkins. My family thinks that I am crazy, but I LOVE paper napkins. I would NEVER set a table without them and they would ALWAYS fit the occasion or season. I own paper napkins in every shape and colour and I love it.

There's a lot more, but I honestly won't have the time to write it all down. Plus, I have a movie date with the kids this afternoon. How about you? Are you a girly girl?

Have a great Sunday! Love, Sanna

Long time no see

Oh man, I cannot believe it's been six weeks since my last post. Time really flies, especially as we were so busy these last weeks.

We celebrated DH's 40th birthday and Linus' fifth. We are back to school for some time now and heading into fall break in two weeks time. So life is back to normal and fall really is here. The leaves are yellow and red and orange and I am back on wearing scarves and boots. We light candles with our tea time and cuddle up with books and movies. The kids play Playmobil for hours straight and I get lost in book after book.

Fall really is a wonderful time. It took me some days to adjust to real shoes (no flipflops!) and the cooler weather, but now I am just loving it. Right now, Linus is in the backyard and playing with his little friend, while I will do some laundry and then will start reading my first Christmas book. Call me crazy, but it's only six more weeks until December. I already have the first presents, so I am getting slowly prepared.

But before that, we will have a Halloween party with my SIL's family and I got a bit crazy with decorations and stuff. I am planning on doing a candy table with creepy snacks and I might have shopped Halloween t-shirts for the kids. It might seem too much or over the top for you, but I feel like it's the best I can give my kids...memories. Being a good parent is about a lot of things, but I will be so happy when in twenty years, they will remember that night and talk about it with gleaming eyes. Like "Do you remember that year Halloween when mom made us eat candy brains?" or "I will never forget the night when we ruined the carpet with  fake blood!". I will laugh with them and be happy to have created a memory that lasts a lifetime.

Because when looking back on the best days of my life, I remember the fun I had, the love I felt and the people that were by my side.

Have a great week! Love, Sanna

Years Off My Life

I ain't a fan of going slow around corners,
Stomp on the gas and grab another gear
Yeah I'll take years off my life
Before I'll take life off my years.

So, I was listening to one of my favorite music ever (Lee Brice - Hard 2 Love) in the car, when this song came up. And it made me think. About what changed since I got sick and how much more I love life right now that I am okay again. 

A lot has changed. It's not like I got adventurous all of a sudden. Nope, not going to happen. But I really am more happy in life. Just because I try to do what is good for me. To celebrate the little things and to have the courage to go for what I really want.

To me, living life to the fullest does not involve jumping out of planes or doing zip line rides. It's more like spending quality time with my beloved ones. It's warm summer sunshine on a day at the lake. It's a good book and a nice coffee. It's cooking and baking and napping. Might sound boring, yes. But to me it is heaven. 

I have never been more satisfied with me and my life. Because I know how bad life can be and I try not to let go of chances. That's why I picked up all my courage last night and dug out my ballett slippers. These have been in the closet for twelve years, but after watching a friend doing ballett classes, I felt such an urge to get back on the dance floor, it kind of hurt. I packed some weight since my last dancing class and it was before babies and PPD and meds, so I freaked out a little bit. I actually was thinking about cancelling the whole thing and sit on my couch and wait for more weight to drop. But then DH kind of ordered me to go, damn it. And I did. And it was the most wonderful thing in the world. Of course, it felt different and I realized I am not as flexible any more (but that will hopefully come back!), but my body remembered every single move. It was right there and I only had to start again to make it come out. I had no idea how much I missed dancing until I actually hit the dance floor.

So, living life to the fullest means taking risks. And having courage. And all of the above. Have a great weekend, everybody!

Love, Sanna

What's the use of life if you don't live it?
You sip your water, I'll drink my beer
Yeah, I'll take years off my life
Before I take life off of my years

I love my life

On Saturday, I turned 39. For the first time ever in my life I was freaking out about my age. Big time.

39 is so close to 40 and people, who are forty are pretty old for me. Too old, if you ask me. 40-year-old moms are embarassing and so not cool. They look old, they act old. Period.

Now, in under a year, I will join that club. How can that possibly be real? I just turned twenty, right? At least I feel as if I am still super young at heart. But then, I am raising a pre-teen. I developed wrinkles around my eyes and I have serious problems crouching down like HRH Kate does. (And she's doing this in heels with a baby on her hip. Amazing.)

But fact is, I am still alive. I was so close to giving up life, that every day is a gift and I intend to live it fully. So many young women die of cancer or other fucking shit, so I am grateful for the chance to see my 40th birthday. I am grateful for being able to support my children while growing up and to see them become wondeerful young people. I am grateful for spending day after day with my husband, who is the best partner, I could possibly have.

Getting older is not just a pain in the a$$. It also is a chance. To experience and see great things. It's a chance to become the erson I want to be, more and more with each day.

Never before I have I been so happy with my life. Or let me wuote Robbie Williams...

I love my life
I am powerful
I am beautiful
I am free
I love my life
I am wonderful
I am magical
I am me
I love my life

Yes, I do. I love my life. And everything that comes with it. Have a great day everybody!