Dienstag, 22. Januar 2019

Eleven weeks

You know what I really miss? That newborn bliss right after LittleL was born. He was the cutest little thing in the world and I was so madly in love with my newborn. In fact, I was madly in love with life with a little baby and a firstgrader. The cuddly and slow mornings with LittleL and then the vivid and exciting time in the afternoon, when BigL came home and proudly showed me what he learned at school. It was one of the happiest times of my life and for the first time ever, I felt like this was exactly where I belonged.

I wish, I could back to that time just for a few minutes. To soak it all in and try to remember every little detail of how wonderful life was. I wish I could go back and smell LittleL's baby hair for another time. Or to see BigL's front toothgap and that radiant smile.

I wish I could go back and do everything to stop depression hitting me hard. I wish I could stop it smacking from behind and taking the happiness and bliss away from all of us. It hit not only me, it also affected my kids and husband. My parents, in-laws and friends. It had such a huge impact in the lives of those I love the most and if I knew it was going to come, I would have been prepared.

I guess, that's just how it works. When life throws a curveball, you do everything ti get through. Most of us will make it out alive and it doesn't mean, it won't be all fine in the end. Life is pretty good these days, but I miss the times, when PPD was not part of my history yet. I don't think about it a lot anymore, but today when driving home from work, it crossed my mind and made me teary eyed. I missed this happy newborn momma. I missed myself. And it sucks to have lost 1,5 years of my life. Big time.

But hey, I am here now. I get all the cuddles and kisses and LittleL is desperately waiting for that toothless smile. So, here's to life. The ups and downs. Make sure, you live it to the fullest.

Love, Sanna

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