The idiot in me

Oh man, the weather is just awful. It's grey and very cold and snowing/raining all day. Every step outside is one too many.

Did you know this last Monday was Blue Monday? It is said to be the most depressing day of the year. I totally understand that.

These last days I am feeling a bit off. Not depressed, no. I just have to fight a steady feeling of discontent, although everything is just fine. I feel unhappy about the most stupid things and I really have to work on pushing these feelings away. I feel too fat, too boring, too old. I feel like being not enough. For my children, my husband, my pupils. I feel way too average.

Why? I have no idea. It might be the darkness outside, it might be the fact that I am turning 40 in less than two weeks. It might be PMS. It might be nothing of that at all.

Sometimes, it's just what happens. I don't like it, but this will pass. I try to give it not too much thought (Who am I kidding??), and this works just fine on some days and some other days it won't work at all.

What bothers me the most is the fact, that I should be so grateful for what I've got. Just five years ago I would've given everything for just being healthy. I would have loved to be just normal and average and cuddling up on the couch on a snowy January night. I should be so, so grateful.

But then it occured to me, that these feelings come from a very good place. They come from my comfort zone, whispering little lies into my ears and make me feel less than what I really am. I am a fucking PPD survivor. I am a mother, who had to fight for the love towards her baby and I am a freaking one man show running a job, household and juggling a thousand appointments a week. Yes, I am a normal mom. I am an average woman. And yes, I am a boring German eating Kraut and Bratwurst. But I am me. I am good the way I am and I am blessed with two wonderful kids, a caring husband and health.

I am one lucky woman.

Love, Sanna