Mittwoch, 17. Januar 2018

The idiot in me

Oh man, the weather is just awful. It's grey and very cold and snowing/raining all day. Every step outside is one too many.

Did you know this last Monday was Blue Monday? It is said to be the most depressing day of the year. I totally understand that.

These last days I am feeling a bit off. Not depressed, no. I just have to fight a steady feeling of discontent, although everything is just fine. I feel unhappy about the most stupid things and I really have to work on pushing these feelings away. I feel too fat, too boring, too old. I feel like being not enough. For my children, my husband, my pupils. I feel way too average.

Why? I have no idea. It might be the darkness outside, it might be the fact that I am turning 40 in less than two weeks. It might be PMS. It might be nothing of that at all.

Sometimes, it's just what happens. I don't like it, but this will pass. I try to give it not too much thought (Who am I kidding??), and this works just fine on some days and some other days it won't work at all.

What bothers me the most is the fact, that I should be so grateful for what I've got. Just five years ago I would've given everything for just being healthy. I would have loved to be just normal and average and cuddling up on the couch on a snowy January night. I should be so, so grateful.

But then it occured to me, that these feelings come from a very good place. They come from my comfort zone, whispering little lies into my ears and make me feel less than what I really am. I am a fucking PPD survivor. I am a mother, who had to fight for the love towards her baby and I am a freaking one man show running a job, household and juggling a thousand appointments a week. Yes, I am a normal mom. I am an average woman. And yes, I am a boring German eating Kraut and Bratwurst. But I am me. I am good the way I am and I am blessed with two wonderful kids, a caring husband and health.

I am one lucky woman.

Love, Sanna

Sonntag, 14. Januar 2018

Stay gold, Ponyboy or About feeling deep

For as long as I can remember, I have always been in love. With guys, books, music, movies, whatever. Also, for as long as I can remember, I have a dark side of feelings. Feeling the blues is something that I have in me (I am not talking depression here) from the very beginning.

I know that I feel much deeper than most people. When I watch a romantic movie, I actually feel the butterflies in my stomach when hero and heroine are finally together. When I read a book, I can dive into different worlds and characters and sometimes need hours to come back to reality. Sometimes, a finished book leaves me aching and heartbroken, because I am not ready to let go.

I easily fall in love. I develop deep feelings for characters in books and movies. Fictional characters, that is. That's why I cry through every freaking episode of Grey's Anatomy or Outlander. Sometimes, the crying does not stop for half an hour or so. The TV is switched off, teeth are brushed, makeup off and I am in bed sobbing. It's hard to get rid of these feelings at that moment. Eventually, it happens and it's not that I am in dream world all the time. Sometimes it doesn't happen for months. But then it hits me and I am gone in faraway worlds.

All this is a blessing and a curse. I love it, because it has opened doors to me that others will never experience. I am sorry when people do not find joy in reading, because I know what they are missing. At the same time, I sometimes wish that my way to feel wasn't that intensive. Because the bad feelings are there as well and I fell them deeper, too. That's not really fun.

The first time I read The Outlanders by S.E. Hinton, I was devastated for days. I was in my late teens and it left me heartbroken and sobbing like mad. Still, I love that book. It's a special one.

Why am I writing about this? Actually, I hope to find someone out there who feels the same, because I feel like a freak sometimes. Is there anybody who can relate to all this? How do you handle it? Do you just let it be or do you try to keep it under control? I'd really like to know.

Love, Sanna

Montag, 8. Januar 2018

Happy New Year!

Hey, happy new year, everybody! We haven't seen each other for quite some time, huh? Or to be more precise...I haven't blogged for a while. Sometimes, I just don't know what to write about and other times, I am too busy with life to post. Both of this has been true lately.

Christmas was wonderful and the kids were happy and excited and life was just incredibly good. We spent New Year's Eve with friends and that was sparkling and great as well.

Then came the first week of January and all through the year, it is the hardest week for me. Christmas decorations are stored in boxes until next season, the sparkle and fireworks of New Year's are gone. The weather was grey and cold and rainy and we had too much time on our hands. Little L was back to daycare, DH was back to work. This left me home with Big L, who was meeting friends and playing too much PS. I was bored. The winter blues kicked in. No, not depression. I was just sick of hanging around on the couch and shuffle around home in my slippers. The days were long and I really lacked energy to do the simple things, such as laundry and running errands. I slept way too much and out of boredom went for a stroll through the supermarkets. Awesome.

So, I was more than happy to return to work today. Actually, I LOVED returning to work today. I was so excited, I had problems to sleep throught the night (and that never happens). So this morning I jumped out of the bed and into the shower at 6.15 am and was happy and glowing. I was singing along the Kinky Boots soundtrack on my way to work (The sex is in the heel!) and was greeted with enthusiasm by colleagues and pupils, who felt the same.

So, we are beack to our daily routine. Something, I really really need to cope. Whenever I am out of routine it is a bit like drifting in open water. I am a very structured person and I need structure in my life. That's just the way I am and I know, that I am not alone.

So, I really hope this boost of energy will stay for a bit and make me blog more often. Because I love blogging and catching up with you and spring is just around the corner, right? Right.

Love, Sanna