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Dienstag, 22. Januar 2019

Eleven weeks

You know what I really miss? That newborn bliss right after LittleL was born. He was the cutest little thing in the world and I was so madly in love with my newborn. In fact, I was madly in love with life with a little baby and a firstgrader. The cuddly and slow mornings with LittleL and then the vivid and exciting time in the afternoon, when BigL came home and proudly showed me what he learned at school. It was one of the happiest times of my life and for the first time ever, I felt like this was exactly where I belonged.


I wish, I could back to that time just for a few minutes. To soak it all in and try to remember every little detail of how wonderful life was. I wish I could go back and smell LittleL's baby hair for another time. Or to see BigL's front toothgap and that radiant smile.

I wish I could go back and do everything to stop depression hitting me hard. I wish I could stop it smacking from behind and taking the happiness and bliss away from all of us. It hit not only me, it also affected my kids and husband. My parents, in-laws and friends. It had such a huge impact in the lives of those I love the most and if I knew it was going to come, I would have been prepared.

I guess, that's just how it works. When life throws a curveball, you do everything ti get through. Most of us will make it out alive and it doesn't mean, it won't be all fine in the end. Life is pretty good these days, but I miss the times, when PPD was not part of my history yet. I don't think about it a lot anymore, but today when driving home from work, it crossed my mind and made me teary eyed. I missed this happy newborn momma. I missed myself. And it sucks to have lost 1,5 years of my life. Big time.

But hey, I am here now. I get all the cuddles and kisses and LittleL is desperately waiting for that toothless smile. So, here's to life. The ups and downs. Make sure, you live it to the fullest.

Love, Sanna

Freitag, 21. Dezember 2018

Enough.

Learning is a lifelong process. It starts with rolling over, walking, talking and goes to reading, maths, astrophysics if you're into it.

Stuff I learned the last five years was knitting, making a mean eggnogg cake and maxing out Amazon Prime. Still, I learn every day. Sometimes by accident, sometimes because something really interests me. And sometimes, because I think it is just neccessary.

So, about a week ago, I decided to learn contentment. In various forms.

First of all, I wanna learn to be happy with what I have. I do not need more jeans or jumpers, more earrings, more handbags. I do not need a new car, a big house or a holiday in the Carribean. Do I want all these things? Hell, yes. Do I need them to feel content? Absolutely not. We have a home full of ... stuff. We do not need more to be happy.

I wanna learn to be content with myself. With how good of a mom, wife, friend, teacher...I am. I need to learn to be enough. That's the biggest thing for me, honestly. I know I am good the way I am, still I don't feel like this from time to time. I feel like I could be a better mom or clean my house more often or have better control about spending money. Yes, maybe I could. But it wouldn't make me a better or more loveable person. And, it would definately not make me more happy.

I. AM. ENOUGH.

I have to tell me every day. Again and again and again. To believe it. To naturally feel it.

I might not be a size zero supermodel or a perfect housewife. I might not have a superclean home or very stylish Instagram worthy kitchen. I might not be strict enough concerning screen time and limiting the amount of chocolate my kids eat (especially during Christmas), but still... I am enough.

And so are you!

Have a wonderful Christmas time with family and friends and make sure to tell yourself from time to time that you are an absolute rockstar. Just because you are!

Love, Sanna

Montag, 10. Dezember 2018

Slow down

Last week was full of appointments and stuff and I really felt like we had to slow down before Christmas madness starts. So, we used the weekend for a few errands, bought the tree and apart from that did basically nothing.

Saturday morning, we piled up in the car to do stuff that has to be done. Buy water and juice (still on crutches, so I can only do it with DH driving and carrying), buy the perfect Christmas tree, do some random shopping. In the late afternoon we celebrated BigL's birthday with his friends at the jump park, which was fun for the kids. Not so much for me. It is super boring at the jump park, when you are the only one on crutches.

Sunday started slow with sleeping in and breakfast at 11am. We listened to Christmas music, decorated the tree, had a nice afternoon nap and met at the in-laws for winter bbq. Just perfect.


This week, we do not have any appointments or places to be. None. Apart from the weekly stuff like track and field training and swimming class. It means we can build a gingerbread house, craft, watch Christmas movies and just be hygge. I love this time of year, when the lights sparkle and candles are lit. Our home smells so good like orange and cookies and punsch. And everything is just a bit brighter and cozy.

Make sure to slow down in these days of hurry and thousands of things to organize. It helps a lot to feel the season, to be merry and focus on what Christmas is all about.

Love and hugs, Sanna

Montag, 3. Dezember 2018

About motherhood. And comparison.

Hey moms out there! Yes, you!

How do you feel about mothering? Do you feel full of self-confidence concerning your abilities to raise tiny humans or do you doubt from time to time?

Me, I am of the second category. Sometimes I compare my mothering abilities to other moms and feel like a big fat failure. I wonder how other moms handle tantrums, teenagers and the fight about screen time and treats.

And then I wonder, if I am doing it right. Do my kids get too much screen time? Do we learn enough for school and exams? Should I do more of this or that and do my kids know how much we love them? Do we tell and show them enough?

I really think it is good and healthy to reflect and sometimes look around for inspiration or just to talk about how others handle stuff. The problem is, it often is more than that to me. It makes me feel insecure and less valueable as a mother. Why is that?

I think, this is something that occured post PPD. I had to re-learn how to mother, every little thing was new to me although I already had a seven-year-old. So what PPD left me with was doubt into my own abilities. Big time. It's getting better, but from time to time it gets me. And then I feel sad and I wanna sob a little and after that life goes on and I try to give my best. Every day.

Please feel free to give some input. I know ther are so many moms out there reading my blog. Am I the only one with these weird feelings? Do you compare yourself as a mother or your kids with others? Or not? Help me out here.

Love, Sanna

Mittwoch, 14. November 2018

Long time no see

Wow, over a month since my last post. How could that've happened? Simple answer: Life happened.

Sometimes, I am just busy. Other times, stuff happens that I cannot control, so it forces me to be abscent for some time. This month so far was an up and down journey healthwise for me.

First of all, I got the news, that my fracture is not healing properly. So I am on crutches now and I really, really hope this works. Then, I had another issue coming up and had surgery on Friday. The days before that I was running a fever and feeling just like shit. As I am writing this, I am healing fine and doing good. Apart from my leg, but that just takes time and patience.

So, here I am. It's mid-November and I got Christmas on my mind. First orders of gifts are on their way (or already in my wardrobe) and I started making lists today. Gift lists, lists of people who will receive cards, lists of what to cook when and what to buy. Plus, my calendar is filling with Christmas celebrations and other stuff. I am really looking forward to the season as I love the lights and the festivity that comes with it.

Found at weheartit.com
I can hardly wait to bring out the decorations and start playing Christmas music. I'd really love to do so right now, but nope. Not before the end of November. I also have plans to sew stockings for the four of us, but cannot find my Christmas sewing book. I will have to take another look for it.

What about you? Are you already in the mood for Christmas?

Love, Sanna

Donnerstag, 27. September 2018

Today, I failed.

Today, I failed as a mother. Big time. I yelled. A lot. I was unfair. Again, a lot. There were a lot of different reasons why this happened and still I feel like a big fat failure. Which I was. Today.


The day started with LittleL throwing a tantrum, because he didn't want to have breakfast (I am not hungry, mummy.), but then when breakfast was over, he wanted to have breakfast. Then, on my way to work, my brandnew jeans ripped. And showed my old pink and green underwear. Unfortunately, time was too tight to go back and change pants, so I was the teacher with ripped jeans before school even started, awesome. After lessons, I went to go to the office to get the papers done for my September salary. Nobody's in the office today, don't ask me why. I am off on Fridays and next week the whole office doesn't work because it is moving to a new computer system. So salary won't come before October, 8th. Again, awesome.

Because of all this, I had to pick up LittleL from school on my way home from work. I usually park the car at home and walk the ten minutes to school. Today, I didn't have the time, so I went to school by car. It was chaos. Lots of moms with cars, no parking space. I was late. When we came home BigL complained about lunch being delayed. And then he didn't like lunch. And then he liked it, but in the meantime LittleL and I had eaten it all.

Then we did homework. LittleL thought homework was super boring and he didn't want to do it. It took forever (he usually is done in ten minutes). Then my MIL came over as she does every Thursday. And she usually is a big help, but today I just felt like suggling up on the sofa. The kids fought over every single shit. BigL has a potty mouth and then told me that last year on Christmas all his gifts were "rubbish". I freaked out big time. (He got a MacBook for Christmas) Meanwhile, LittleL asked for screen time for the 100th time. And for a treat, again for the 100th time. BigL watched drum learning lessons on YouTube on our TV (very loud), LittleL asked me strange questions about Star Wars, which I never watched. I told him so, he kept on asking. On top of all this, we had to learn for BigL's math and English tests.

I did not have a minute for myself today, which never is  a good thing. I need some time to recharge my batteries, at least thirty minutes a day. To take a power nap, read some pages, whatever I feel like. Some minutes of SILENCE, for God's sake! It keeps me sane in all our chaos of school, work and just everyday life.

Today I missed it and it paid. Yes, the kids did not show their best behaviour. Yes, they were testing and impolite. Still, they do no deserve yelling and telling them to "Just shut up!". It is not fair and I know it. But these days happen. For all of us. It's no fun, it's far away from Instagram perfectness, but it's reality.

All I can do now is kiss my children goodnight. And try to make it better tomorrow. This I will do.

Good night, peeps!

Love, Sanna

Sonntag, 23. September 2018

25 reasons...

...why fall is just the best!

1. Crunchy leaves
2. All the colours
3. Jeans and boots
4. Fresh apples from the tree
5. Candles and books
6. Pumpkin spice latte
7. Pumpkin spice everything. Period.
8. Carving pumpkins
9. Family movie nights
10. Blankets and coffee
11. The smell of cinnamon
12. Sunday afternoon naps
13. Hot soups on rainy days
14. Ankle boots
15. Loads and loads of books
16. October
17. Going to th pumpkin patch
18. Hot tea
19. Baking treats and pies
20. Halloween
21. Hot apple cider
22. Crafting and sewing
23. Fall decorations
24. Pumpkin pie
25. All of the above.

Love, Sanna